Today starts my second year of seminary, which will be my first full-time year. I find it kind of funny how one never seems to outgrow the first day of school butterflies…at least I know that’s true for me. Questions such as, “I wonder if I’ll know anyone in my classes” or “I wonder if I’ll like my teachers” or “will I be able to keep up as a full-time student, mom, homeschool parent, wife, writer…and all the other things that add up to may days, weeks, and months when I haven’t been in school?” seem to bombard my mind right now.
I find myself excited and nervous at the same time. The fear comes from my fear of not living up to what I feel I should be to those around me and questioning whether I can do it, whereas the excitement comes from this deep desire to be able to prove to myself that yes, I can do this because this is what I am called to do. It’s like fear and excitement are battling it out and I have to choose which voice I am going to listen to.
Am I going to let fear win and let it prove to me that I’m a failure and that I will never be smart enough, good enough, present enough, or…enough? Or am I going to allow excitement to wash over me and allow myself to rest in the goodness of knowing that when I am doing what I am called to do then there is a supernatural peace that surpasses all understanding and I can know without a shadow of a doubt that yes, I am and will always be smart enough, good enough, and…enough for what I feel I am called to do.
As for being present enough…that is a choice I will need to make each and every moment…and I’m beginning to believe that this being present begins with being present to myself. If I am not present to myself then I will be unable to be fully present to those around me.